Into The Mind

Been Some Time

Fri, 20 Feb 2009 18:37:00 +0000

Well, I went to a chat site... yes I know, you can say it... cliche, sad, ridiculous attempt at entertainment, but I discovered something about the human condition..... some people actually have a brain.

It has been a long time since I met someone that I can parlay with and I have missed it. A girl named Jenn that is a member here too was the last one. Very wonderfully atriculate in her parlay. When she could control her temperment lol.

There is this boy... and I do mean boy. not that young lol.. that can parlay with the best of them. I was impressed as it brought out the brains of the other participants.

There actually was people in there that could hold a conversation.

On a different note, I have finally gone back to my old doctor and have admitted defeat. The doctor around here has had his own demons and so it is preventing me from getting better.

So what's new with you? lol.

I will post again.... maybe sooner than expected as this new chat thing is actually kind of fun lol.

My New Ah Ha Moment

Thu, 05 Feb 2009 01:47:00 +0000

Okay so we were on our way to the wonderful new doctor that I got the appointment with for the nerve pain and this ah ha moment happened.

As we drove the long way down to the city we were listening to David Cook and the wonderful rendition of Billie Jean came on, this was on a shuffle so I didn't know when it was going to play.

I looked up and as I was contemplating where my life was going to go next, we drove by my childhood homes, there was two of them close by one another.

The irony of it? When I lived in those homes I dreamed of marrying Michael Jackson and had a life sized poster that I would kiss every day/night.

How odd that at the same time I was wondering about all my memories and what part they have in my life now then I experience this fleeting moment, actually because I was able to listen to the whole song and it happened to start the kilometre before the first home as we drove the song lasted long enough for me to get some kind of epiphany out of it. Although I don't know what that is yet, maybe that will come with time.

The trueness of the whole event came when the next song was, 'we are all innocent' and it speaks of a woman with cancer, which I don't have but can relate as it says basically that the illness is not her fault.

I broke into an uncontrollable sob.

NONE of what has happened to me is my fault. Not my childhood nightmares and certainly NOT the loss of my purpose, my children.

The doctor then affirmed all of my new found strength by telling me that an ex husband with a serious OCD problem and severe control issues is to blame for my depleting body and mind as he knew that my only course in life was to be a mother and thus by taking that away was able to punish me for leaving before something more serious happened.

Now it's my turn to change the course of the spirit.

Today Was Group 2

Thu, 22 Jan 2009 17:56:00 +0000

I know, you're sayin' "what group?", well I'll tell ya. I go to a chronic pain meditation group that is running for 13 weeks and this was group 2 week.

Oh great, I just went blank lol.

Um how are you today?

No, I really mean that.

The only hard part is sitting or lying in a cold hospital board room for 3-4 hours and not counting the drive which is about 20 min.

Ok so that's not the only hard part, realizing that I seem to be the only one that is in excrutiating pain. None of the other participants need sling or pillows like I do and I can't decide if I'm embarrassed or not.

I don't really care what others think of me in that sense. My therory has always been, hey if you don't like it, don't look.

I did get not one but two timmies...heehee aaand I had a bit of an 'ah ha' moment.

My husband isn't that bad of a support as he does go to ALL my doc appointments. I also lightbulbed that I'm not alone with the loss of support I have gone through.

Almost all of the participants also lost most of their friends and even some of their family when they fell ill as well.

So all in all it's been a 50/50 day.

Have you ever lost something/one and felt really alone?

I really can't tell if I have the strength to get through all this.

We will see won't we.

Thanks for reading.

Just Another Day

Wed, 21 Jan 2009 17:14:00 +0000

Well, today the m.s is bad. I want to keep the woodstove going so that it can warm the bones of the house.

I have to call a bunch of doctors to make appointments and call a lady that I met at the Christmas party at Ernie's work. She seems really nice and I think it's about time that I made some friends out here instead of holding on to something that will never be.

I went for a walk with my doggie yesterday after I posted some pics on facebook of my home. I think it's so beautiful. It's why I wanted to move here. I still don't know why my husband wanted to.

I was thinking of posting something to youtube. Maybe setting up an account for Ryan too, he got a digital video recorder for xmas (not an expensive one) so he likes that. Hey if he is interested in filming then I will help him go with that. There isn't a whole lot he's interested in and even though he isn't my kid, someone has to guide him.

Lady is playing on the floor so I'm going, plus the pain is getting bad and I need to rest my body so that it can continue healing.

Thanks to anyone who reads.